jokes

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! 

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God

 

 

 

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A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

 

 

 

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The factory foreman inspected the shipment of crystal vases leaving the plant, and approached his new packer. He put his arm around the man’s shoulder and said,
“Well, Ole, I see you did what I asked. Stamped the top of each box, ‘This Side Up,
Handle With Care.’”
“Yes sir,” the worker replied. “And just to make sure, I stamped it on the bottom too.”

 

 

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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

 She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds,

Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? "No, ma'am

 

 

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 What did the kangaroo say when he found that his baby was missing?

 I've been pick-pocketed!

 

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A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. “Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” the man said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.” “That’s the same with us, the American said, “only we see stars, too.”

 

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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

 

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A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

 He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

 The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."

 The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

 At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

 

 

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Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"

"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"

The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"

When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!