I'm putting on my shoes

Four animals a Snake, a Cock, a Cat and a Centipede, all heavy smokers, were playing cards together. When the cigarettes run out, the snake, the big brother, said, "Cock, go out and get some packs! You know, I have NO legs." "But why me?" said the Cock, "I have only TWO legs!" So, the task fell on Centipede with no doubt. Centipede said nothing and left the room.

The left three waited and waited, but Centipede did not show up. One hour later, they couldn't wait anymore. "What's the devil Centipede doing?" Snake said impatiently, "Cat, go out and take a look!"

When Cat gets to the door, he got frightened. Centipede was SITTING there!!!! So the angry Cat said, "What are you doing here?"

"Can't you see? I'm putting on my shoes,” said Centipede.

 

I can't get her out of the playpen

A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered.

Salesman: May I speak to your mother?

Child: She is not here.

Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?

Child: My sister

Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?

Child: I guess so.

There was a long silence on the other phone. Then;

Child: Hello?

Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.

Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.

 

light the candle

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

 

"So?" asked the duck's former owner,

 

"did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

 

Punishment

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother,

 

"Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."

 

Why Are Americans Jobless ?

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 a.m.

 

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN PHILIPPINES ) .

 

He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes (MADE IN VIETNAM). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ), then he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today.

 

After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia ) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

 

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA ), John decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE ) and turned on his TV (MADE IN KOREA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA .

 

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM HIS PRESIDENT (MADE IN KENYA )

 

 

kiski sune

Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru

We should learn to love our enemies- Mahathma Gandhi

Ab aap bataaye kiski sune bapu di ya chacha di???

 

How To Become A Dad ?

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.

 

She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her

 mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

 

'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't

know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied.

 

 

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and

 asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'

 

I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom

Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked

along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering

this new information.

 

 

'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have

to be the dad. '

 

'Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face

 

WHICH half

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"

 

the difference

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial.

 

“Jury trial,” the defendant replied.

 

“Do you understand the difference?” asked the judge.

 

“Sure,” replied the defendant. “That’s where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one.”

 

meals on wheels

Once upon a time, there was a cat that died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth.

 

She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold black alleys, where there was no food and life was hard.

 

God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on.

 

The cat lay down upon the pillow and was happy.

 

A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth.

 

The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people.

 

God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them roller-skates.

 

One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she liked heaven.

 

She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow was the meals on wheels.