congratulations

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.

If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However,

If they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.


The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

 

Types of girls

CD-ROM GIRLS

 

She is always faster and faster.

***********

EMAIL GIRLS

 

Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense .

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HARD DISK GIRLS

 

She remembers everything, FOREVER

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INTERNET GIRLS

 

Difficult to access

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MULTIMEDIA GIRLS

 

She make horrible thing look beautiful

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SCREENSAVER GIRLS

 

She is good for nothing but at least she is fun

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RAM GIRLS

 

She forget about you, the moment turn her off

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WINDOW GIRLS

 

Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

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VIRUS GIRLS

 

Also known as "wife'' when you are not expecting her, she comes, install herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if don't try you uninstall her you will lose everything...

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SERVER GIRLS

 

Always busy when you need her.

go to hell

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (whose head gear partially blocked their view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.

 

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."

 

The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."

 

The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."

 

One of the nuns said,  "Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any nuns there!"

good jokes

 

 

 

 

 

 

Police arrested a drunkard & askd: Where r u going? Man: I'm going 2 listen lecture on ill effects of drinking. Cop: Who'll lecture at midnight ? Man: My wife... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- - Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- - What's the biggest pressure for Pak captain when Pak needs 1 run to win in 8 ovrs, with 5 wickets in hand? Ya Allah! How to speak English in presentation ceremony? ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- - Q: Why do women live longer than men? A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does! ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- - Wats the diff between Complete & Finished? If you find good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- - So many options: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow and sure! ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- - Have u heard about the man who threw his wife into a pond of crocodiles? He's now being harassed by the animal rights for being cruel to the crocodiles. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- - Two men r talking. 1st: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry & wearing shabby clothes. 2nd: Amazing, I just got divorced for the very same reasons ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- - Wife: If I dismiss the cook and make the food myself for a month, what will you pay me? Husband: I won't have to pay you, you'll get my entire insurance amount.

 

Zakat

Teen Dost The
Phela Pathan
Dusra Punjabi
Aur
Tesra Memon
Ramzan Ka Mahina Tha
Dostoo Ne Bolaa Ke Yaar Zakat Dena Hai
Too Aap Log Kaise Daite Ho

To Phela Dost Pathan Bola:

Hum Khali Maidan Me Jaakar Gol Daira Banataa Ha Aur Asman Ma Paisa Uchalta Ha
Jo Paisa Daira Ka Baaher Jaata Hai
Woo Zakat Karta Hai, Aur
Jo Andar Hota Hai Wo Humara Hota Hai

Phir Punjabi Ne Bola:

Hum Aik Lakeer Khechta Ha
Our Paisa Uchalta Hai
Jo Paisa Left Hand Par Jaata Hai Wo Zakat Karta Hai, Aur
Joo Right Hand Par Hota Hai Wo Humara Hota Hai

Phir Memon Dost Sa Poucha Ke Wo Kaisa Zakat Karta Hai
To Memon Ne Kaha:
Astagfirullah Aap Log Aisse Zakat Kartay Ho?

Ye Lakir Fakir Kya Hai?
Ham Khali Maidan Ma Jaata Hai
Our Paise Asman Me Uchalta Ha
Jo Paisa Asman Me Gya Wo Zakat Ka
Our Jo Paisa Niche Aaya Wo Hamaara!

 

What women want in a Man!!!!!

 

 

 

 

What I Want in a Man, Original List:   1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 36)   1. Nice looking 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Wants to talk to me. 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Has at least one shirt with the arms cut out 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Loves to go for drives 10. Seeks romance at least 3 times a week What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)   1. Not too ugly 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. Shaves most weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)   1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends 7 . Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers your name on occasion 10. Shaves some weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)   1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when asleep 5. Remembers why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers that it's the weekend What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)   1. Breathing 2. Doesn't miss the toilet

 

 

 

Santa-Banta are back!!!

Santa: Tum Next Janam Me Kya Banna Pasand Karoge?
Banta: Cockroach
Santa: Kyon?
Banta: Kyonki Meri Wife Sirf Cockroach Se Hi Darti Hai

Santa ke ghar uske sasural wale aaye.
Biwi boli jao bahar se kuch le kar aao.
Santa baahar gaya or taxi lekar aa gaya.

Banta: yar kal meine kitni baar call kiya, uthaya kyon nahi?
Santa: Kyon uthaun, 30 Rs. de ke jo gaana lagwaya hai woh kya tera baap sunega?

 

Ek baar exam main question tha, “Challenge kise kehte hain?”
Santa ne saare pages khali chod ker aakhri page per likha.. “Apne baap ki aulaad hai to paas ker k dikh.”

Teacher: Delhi me Qutub Minar hai
Banta was sleeping and teacher wakes him up.
Teacher asks: What I said.
Banta: Delhi me kutta bimar hai

TEACHER: you call your Mother as MUM.
What will you call your Mother's Younger Sister & Elder Sister?
Santa: So simple, i'll call them MINIMUM & MAXIMUM

 

Banta apne bete se Bola: Oye, Gabra mat. Tu sher ka puttar hay
Beta: Papa,teacher bhi yehi bolti hay k tu kisi jaanwar ki aulad hai.

 

 

something funny

Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre,the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

Bath THEOREM:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW of the RESULT:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

LAW OF BIO-MECHANICS:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATER RULE:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last

LAW OF COFFEE:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you
to do something which will last until the coffee is cold