9 words women use...

1.) Fine  : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are 
right and you need to shut up. 

 

2.) Five Minutes  : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more 
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 

 

3.) Nothing   : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,  
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing 
usually end in fine. 

 

4.) Go Ahead  : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 

 

5.) Loud Sigh  : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement 
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an  
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing 
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) 

 

6.) That's Okay   : This is one of the most dangerous statements a wom a n 
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard  
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 

 

7.) Thanks  : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say 
you're welcome.  

 

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying  ------------ YOU! 

 

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning 
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but  
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's 
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!

 

Send this link to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can  
avoid if they remember the terminology. 

Send this link to all the women you know to give them a good laugh,

 

                                                     because they know it's true.

Engineers vs Manager (Too Good)

 

Once upon a time, a man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted. "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied. "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees north latitude and between 114 and 115 degrees west longitude."
 
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make use of your information. The fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If  anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be a MANAGER."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "

You don't know where you are or where you're going.

You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.

You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep,

and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met,

but now, somehow, you've managed to make it my fault!!"

 

smile.....smile.....

Missing Taxi Driver
Magistrate: ‘What was he doing when you arrested him?’
Policeman: ‘He was arguing with a taxi driver, Your Honor.’
Magistrate: ‘That is no proof he was drunk.’
Policeman: ‘Well, Your Honor, there was no taxi driver there.’

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TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that
we didn't have ten years ago.
KIRAN: Its Me!

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CHAKRI: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
CHAKRI: Your name on this report card.

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Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

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Manmohan Singh to Bush - We are sending Indians to the moon next year.
Bush - Wow! How Many?
Manmohan Singh - 100
25 - OBC
25 - SC
20 - ST
5 - Handicapped
5 - Sports Persons
5 - Terrorist Affected
5 - Kashmiri Migrants
9 - Politicians and
if no further recomendations then possibly
1 - Astronaut.

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pinki: If I die what'll you do?
chintu: I may also die.
pinki: Why?
chintu: Some time too much of happiness can also kill a man.

4 stages of life

smile...

 

Passing a parrot

 

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch
in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really
ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On
the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are
really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to
her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would
sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not
good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to
her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

 

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A Wise Old Man

A wise old man who was a judge, was asked to settle a dispute between two brothers about the fair division of a large estate left them by their father.

"Let one brother divide the estate," said the judge," and let the other brother have the first choice in choosing his share."

 

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Coincidence

In a kindergarten school, a teacher asked her class to give examples of coincidence.

There was a long silence, then a small boy said: "My father & my mother were married the same day."

 

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Pray for forgiveness

When I was young I used to pray for a bike,

then I realized that God doesn't work that way,

so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness

 

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Wish

Doctor to patient : YOu will die within 2 hours.

Do you want to see any one before you die.

Patient : Yes. A good doctor.

 

 

Mr. Bean

 

1) BRAIN TUMOR:                        

Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)

Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?

Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!



2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:

Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9

Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!


3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:

Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!



4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:

Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.

Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!



5) Marriage:

Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16

Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.


6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:

Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.

Friend: What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.


7)DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.

(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?

Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!


8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:

Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.


9) Spelling lesson:

Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!
 

 

Never laugh at a Chinese!

A Chinese man walks into a Bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.

The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

 

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.  

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000? The Chinese replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return.' 

 

Sardarji Jokes Collection ......2

Two sardars are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other sardar pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

 

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the dardar says, "OK, now what?"

********************

One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village???
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!

********************
After returning back from a foreign trip, Aadhi asked his wife,Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?Aadhi: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?

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Sardar is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?" Sardar replies "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun"

********************
Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing.

The report said, "DELIVERED".

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one day sardar was walking on the road with cell in his hand.o ne theif taks sardar's cell and runs away
then sardar says "pora dani charger naa daggare undi!!"

********************
A reporter asked Sardar "What is the main reason for a divorce ?"

"Marriage"

********************
interviewer: what is the fastest thing..
candidate 1: i think light..
c 2: thoughts..
c 3: i guess it is blink of an eye..
c4(sardar) : it is loose motion..
interviewer : howz that..??
sardar : last night i had cramps in my stomach..
before i could think .. blink .. or switch on the light ..
it was out and done..

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Sardar: in my dreams rats play football every night.
DR: take this tablet you will be ok.
Sardar: Can I take tommorrow, tonight is final game.

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Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It's already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go

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Sardar's wish: when i die, i wana die like my grandpa who died
peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all d passengers in d bus he was driving..

********************
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies.
Sardarji goes 2 china 2 find meaning of friends last words.
There he finds the meaning as 'U R STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!"

********************
A sardar was drawing money from ATM, The sardar behind him in> the line said,> "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****).> The first sardar replies, Ha! Ha! Haaa! U r wrong, Its 1258.

********************
Q:) How do u recognize a sardar in school or college???
A:) They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the blackboard

********************
Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatoes 5 days ago, he hasn't come back yet!
Santa: Why don't u cook something else

********************
Napolean to Sardar -" There is no word called impossible in my Dictionary!!
"Sardar - " No use complaining now.. You should have checked it while buying!! "

********************
Teacher to Sardar " Where were U born?
Sardar : In Tiruvanantapuram.
Teacher : Spell it?
Sardar : (after thinking) I think I was born in GOA.

********************
Sardarji was asked, what is a adult joke?
Reply came any joke which is eighteen years old.

********************
Sardarji zebra crossing ke black & white patte par bar bar idhar-udhar chalte the,
woh kya soch rahe honge.... think............."SALA YE PIANO BAJTA KYO NAHI HAI"

********************
Sardar - Why r all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar - If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?

********************
INTERVIEW: Imagine, in a closed room, how can you escape if it caught Fire?
Mr. X: Simple, stop imagining.

********************
Mr. X: in my dreams rats play football every night.
DR: take this tablet you will be ok.
Mr. X: Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game

 

An Ant and a Grasshopper - An Old Story & Its Indian Version

 An Old Story:

 The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and
 laying up supplies for the winter.

 The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs & dances & plays the
 summer away.

 Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or
 shelter so he dies out in the cold.


 The Indian Version:


 The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and
 laying up supplies for the winter.

 The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the
 summer away.

 Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and
 demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed
 while others are cold and starving.
 NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper
 next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled
 with food.

 The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor
 Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

 Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the Ant's house.

 Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding that
 Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter ..

Mayawati states this as `injustice’ done on Minorities.

 Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticize the Indian Government for
 not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper.

 The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the
 Grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt
 support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance).

 Opposition MPs stage a walkout. Left parties call for 'Bengal Bandh' in
 West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.
 CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard
 in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and
 Grasshoppers.

 Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway
 Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'.

 Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the ' Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act' [POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter.

 Arjun Singh makes 'Special Reservation ' for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions & in Government Services.

 The Ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left
 to pay his retroactive taxes,it's home is confiscated by the Government
 and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.


 Arundhati Roy calls it ' A Triumph of Justice'.

 Lalu calls it 'Socialistic Justice '.

 CPM calls it the ' Revolutionary Resurgence of the Downtrodden '

 Koffi Annan invites the Grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.




 Many years later...

  

 The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley,

 100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India,

  .
 ..AND



 As a result of loosing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the grasshoppers,

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

India is still a developing country…!!!  

 

Boss & Employee

 

Boss:
      Arz kiya hai.........

Office may Kaam hote hain...
Galtiyon ka sama hota hai....
Aise mausam mein hi to PERFORMANCE jawan hota hai....
Dil ki khunnas BOSS log zubaan se nahi kehte...
Ye fasana to "e-mails" mein bayan hota hai........

Employee's reply...
        Arz kiya hai.........


Appraisal hote hain...
Disappointment ka sama hota hai...
Aise mausam mein hi to Attrition jawan hota hai....
Dil ki khunnas HUM bhi zubaan se nahi kehte...
Ye fasana to resignation se bayan hota hai....

Don't want to go to school...... too Good!!!!

One Early morning a mother niwent to her sleeping son and woke him up.
 

 

MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
 
SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
 
MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
   
MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
   
SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
 
MOM :  One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities.
 
Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.

 

Letter to Ex-GirlFriend...but this is toooooooo much

Dear Preetha,

            Thanks for being my love for the past one year. When you receive this letter I believe you might have selected a new boy friend and started enjoying your dating. Every lover needs to struggle a bit to get a boy friend or girl friend. Preetha In order to recover your missing, I got another girl from the next street and as you know this is my forth love, from all my past experiences I have learned a lot.

 

When the love blossoms everyone starts writing love letters, you know very well I have written many love letters to you, and writing a love letter in a poetic way is not so easy nowadays and it's a time consuming work, In order to avoid all this I need all my lover letters back so that I can make corrections and send them to my new girlfriend. Please send it back to me. I don't have poetic references or any photocopy of these letters.

Another thing Preetha, I have given you one cute photo of mine, can you send it to me please;, you know better that this is the only photo I look very cute and handsome and this photo I have taken when I was in my very first love.

 

And also, during my 1 year of love days, I've spent a lot for impressing you. I am attaching a list of expenses which I request you to clear it at the earliest. The expenses are as follows:

Food                Rs 6765

Drinks             Rs 2320

Snacks            Rs 3550

Movies           Rs 2800

Internet           Rs 1500

Mobile            Rs 6555

Petrol              Rs 12495

Gift Items       Rs 7850  

Grand Total:   Rs 43835

 

Please try to clear the above amount so that I can spend this money on my new girl friend, and more over if you have any of my gift lying with you, am ready to take these packs in half prices. Please calculate the value of packs left over and deduct it from the above statement of account.

I am enclosing herewith your love letters (weigh around 4 Kg) so that you no need to write again to your boy friend and your photo so that you can give to your new BF.

 

Please advise your expenses which incurred during our dates, I don't think you have got any expenditure during these dates, I have seen many a time that you always forget your purse when it comes to pay. Anyway I hope you will clear the above outstanding at the earliest and wishing you a very wonderful sixth love affair with your new BF.

 

Your Ex-lover

Bala Krishna's own poetry...funny but realistic

 

Nanna..... Gurthuchesukovadaniki VAMSAM itchav...
Kottukovadaniki PEDDA PEDDA THODALU itchav...
Janalni himsinchadaniki DIKKUMALINA cinemalu itchav....
Mammalni bharinchadaniki PRODUCERS ni Itchav .........
Yemaina chesukovadaniki VIJAYASHANTHI ni itchav...
Maalo Meymu Thannukovadaaniki Chalamandi Brothers and sisters ni itchav...

Nanna...... (Yedupu kallatho) Political backgroun Vunna AKKANI, BAVALANI itchav...
Adakkundaaney PINNI ni (Lakshmi Parvathi ni) itchav...
Yelanti Cheeta Cinemalu theesina Barinchey FANS ni itchav...
Chirakoshtey Nirmathalni Kalcheyyadaniki GUN itchav...
Kani Yenduku nanna intha thvaraga Chatchav..... Chatchav.... Ayina Nuvvu naku Natchav...

Banta Sing wrote a letter to Microsoft ( Bill Gates )

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. After connecting to Internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.

2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.


3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.

4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run ' has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.

5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug??

7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my 'mouse' from CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.

8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning 'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect ur money.

9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when u will provide that?

Best regards,
Banta Singh

Japan Fast ....Indian Very Very Fast ...... ...!!!!!

There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing.

On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.

There upon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.

Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!

The Japanese exclaimed, "What??… so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, Made in India...... VERY VERY FAST !!!!! "

funny conversation with help desk

"Good Afternnoon, Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?"

 "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

 

 "What sort of trouble?"

 "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went

 away."

 

 "Went away?"

 "They disappeared."

 

 "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

 "Nothing."

 

 "Nothing?"

 "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

 

 "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

 "How do I tell?"

 

 "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

 "What's a sea-prompt?"

 

 "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

 "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

 

 "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

 "What's a monitor?"

 

 "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it

 have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

 "I don't know."

 

 "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power

 cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

 ......"Yes, I think so."

 

 "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into

 the wall."

 ......"Yes, it is."

 

 "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

 "No."

 

 "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the

 other cable."

 ......"Okay, here it is."

 

 "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back

 of your computer."

 "I can't reach."

 

 "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

 "No."

 

 "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

 "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's

 dark."

 

 "Dark?"

 "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in

 from the window."

 

 "Well, turn on the office light then."

 "I can't."

 

 "No? Why not?"

 "Because there's a power outage."

 

 "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do

 you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

 "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

 

 "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

 "Really? Is it that bad?"

 

 "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

 "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

 "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!"

 

it jokes

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