On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:
"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
e-books for us
Saturday, January 31, 2009
season pass
Thursday, January 29, 2009
The new Satyam nursery rhyme
The new Satyam nursery rhyme
Raju Raju sat on the wall
Raju Raju had a great fall
Balance sheet died
Shareholders cried
Raju Raju made a fraud
| Raju Raju |
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
santa's interview
One young man went for an IAS Interview.
"When did
"The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947" He replied.
"Who was responsible for our independence?"
"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one, it will be a injustice to another. " He replied.
"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?"
"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainly only after seeing the report" He replied.
The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions.
When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Santa would not leave him. "At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.
Then it was the turn of this Santa. When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him." By the way, what is your date of birth?"
He replied, " The effort began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947."
Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification. "What is your fathers name?"
He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention". If I name one, it will be injustice to another".
The interviewer was incensed.
" Hey! Are you mad or what?"
He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report ."
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
If Drs. Make films
If Doctors start making films………., some examples
- Kabhie Khansi (Cough) Kabhie Dum (Asthama)
- Hum Blood Le Chuke Sanam
-
-
- Ab Tumhare Havale Operation Saathiyo (Colleagues)
- Hamara Stethoscope Aap ke Paas Hai!
- Doctor, Nurse or Woh
- Kaho Na, Bukhar Hai!
- TB # 1
- X – Ray#2
- Appendix Mil
- Kal Patient Ho Na Ho!
Monday, January 26, 2009
Happy Republic Day
31 states, 1618 languages, 6400 castes, 6 religions, 6 ethnic groups, 29 major festivals & 1 country, Be proud to be an Indian. Have a great Republic Happy.
Regards,
Soma Venkata Swamy
Mob. # +966-502619080
E-mail : vsoma@ymail.com
ha...ha...ha...
When the waitress in a
"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"It's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"
/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-
We Haven't Had Any"
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."
Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."
The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way.
"Now, what was it she wanted?"
The clerk answered, "Snow."
/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-
A man found a magic genie who would grant him one wish. The man said to the genie,” I wish that I had a non-stop bridge from here to
The genie said,” I’m sorry, but that's going to be very hard. Do you have another wish?"
The man answered, "Of course! I want the power to understand all women."
The genie thought for a minute. He replied, "How many platforms did you want on that bridge?"
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Amazing 21st Birthday
Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing 21st Birthday family tradition. His father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned!
Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he said, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and answered, "Because your father, your grandfather, and your great-grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumbass."---
how to make happy
To make a woman happy.....
A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes
&
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Leave him alone
Saturday, January 24, 2009
sardar and maharashtrain
once a sardar was traveling by train from pune to
when reached khandala station, he asked the maharashtrian who was sitting next to him,tkonsa station (which station), the maharashtrian said maithi nahi (dont know) sardar thought it is the name of station.
the train reached next station, again sardar asked konsi station, maharashtrian replied, maithi nahi. the sardar thought may be 2 stations having same name.
the train reached next station, again sardar asked konsi station, maharashtrian replied, maithi nahi. the sardar thought may be 3 stations having same name.
the train reached next station, again sardar asked konsi station, maharashtrian replied, maithi nahi. the sardar became very angry. he thought the maharashtrian fooling him. he started beating maharashtrian. the poor maharashtrian asked kasaala marthoo (why r u beating). the sardar thought kasala marthoo is the name of the station and said aisa seetha bol, sale. (you scoundrel tell me correctly like that)
Grandpa
Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained,
"That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."
A little later on, they saw horses.
The Grandpa said,
"That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled,
"If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"
marriage jokes
Q. What is the difference between WATCH & WIFE ?
A.Ek bigadti hai to bandh ho jati hai......
Doosri bigadti hai to 'SHUROO' ho jati hai
Q.Doctor : Kya App ka aur aapki biwi ka blood group ek hi hai?.
A.Man : Hoga, zarur hoga; 25 saal se mera khoon jo pee rahi hai.
Q.What's the similarity between MOBILE and MARRIAGE ?
A.In both cases you feel 'aur thoda ruk jata to accha model milta'
Q.Ek admi ne sadhu se kaha, meri biwi bahut pareshan karti hai, koi upaaye bataiye.
A.Sadhu bola , saale, Upaaye hota to main sadhu kyoon banta?
Thursday, January 22, 2009
school days
Teacher: 'What is your name?'.
Student: 'Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai.'
Teacher: 'When I ask a question in English, answer it in English.'
Student: 'My name is Sunlight .
Teacher: 'What is your name?'.
Student: 'My name is Beautiful Red Underwear'
Teacher: 'What kind of a name is this? Don’t joke tell me the right name'
Student: 'My name is Sunderlal Chadda."
Teacher: What happened in 1869?
Student: Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher: What happened in 1873?
Student: Gandhiji was four years old.
Question: What is the full form of maths.
Answer: Mentally affected teachers harassing students
Teacher: Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing ?
Student: BROTHERLY LOVE
Teacher: Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August.
Student: A holiday
Teacher: Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun. Everyone must attend it.
Raju: No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher: Why?
Raju: My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!
Teacher: 'Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence? '
Johnny: 'Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time.'
Teacher: How old is
Sunny: As old as I am.
Teacher: How is it possible?
Sunny: He became father only after I was born. (1st Rank)
Teacher: There is a frog, Ship is sinking, potatoes cost Rs3/kg...Then, what is my age?
Student: 32 yrs.
Teacher: How do you know?
Student: Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
computer jokes
You Might be an Internet Hobo if:
You spend more time online trying to find a way of making money than actually making money.
You have more than one degree from an online university.
Your little black book is full of usernames and passwords.
Your space is My-space.
You think a vacation is Google’s earth.
Your 15 minutes of fame is on You-tube.
Road rage means a dial up connection.
You hear your kids say "the snail man's here".
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
How to cross the river
Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river.
The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river.
The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Training
Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
what a love
Least Romantic:
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes - Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Fun Things To Do In An Elevato
Fun Things To Do In An Elevator:
1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral
7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
8. Meow occasionally.
9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Saturday, January 17, 2009
SMS jokes
Aur bhi cheezain bahut see lut chuki hain dil ke saath
Ye bataya dooston ne ishq furmane ke baad;
Is liye kamre ki ek ek cheez "check" karta hoon main"
Ek tere aane se pehle, ek tere jaane ke baad"(wah-wah)
==============================================================
Kash mere dard ki tujhe aise saja mile,
Kash mere dard ki tujhe aesi saja mile,
audience : ghahere jakhm lagte hai
Kash mere dard ki tujhe aise saja mile,
Kash mere dard ki tujhe aesi saja mile,
Tujhe aayi ho bade jor se SUSU,
Aur kanhi karne ki jagah na mile
==============================================================
Book khulti hai...exam ka sama hota hai.
Aise mausam me hi to dimag kharab hota hai.
Dimag ki baate paper par nahi ati..
ye fasana to MARKSHEET par baya hota hai !!!
==============================================================
Usey pane ki koi aas nahi hai
audience : lagta, hai gaheri chot khayi hai....
Ki Use pane ki koi aas nahi hai
Vajah yeh bhi hai, woh dikhne mai kuch khas nahi hai
audience : wah wah...
Use pane ki koi aas nahi hai
Vajah yeh bhi hai, woh dikhne mai kuch khas nahi hai
aur gold medalist hoti to shayad chal jata,
kambakht woh ek bhi subject mai pas nahi hai..............
==============================================================
Durakht ke paymane pe chilman E husn ka furkat se sharmana...
Durakht ke paymane pe chilman E husn ka furkat se sharmana...
Ye line samajh me aaye to mujhe zaroor batana
==============================================================
Tumhare liye main chand taare tod du,
Honda city, opel, mecedez tak chod du,
Darling itna kaafi hai ya,
do char jhuth aur bole du!!
==============================================================
God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested.
====================================================================================================
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ...
Now read without the word dog.
====================================================================================================
Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!
====================================================================================================
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
====================================================================================================
Lady : So, you want to become my son-in-law? Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way 2 marry your daughter!
====================================================================================================
A lady delivered twins. Surprisingly one is a boy and another is a dog how it is possible? Because her husband is HUTCH
DEALER.... wherever u go out network follows
====================================================================================================
Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So i bought 3 movie tickets. Wife: why three? Husband: 4 u and your parents.
====================================================================================================
A baby monkey asks his father, Father why r we so ugly? The father says to him, don't stress my son u should see the one who is reading this!!
====================================================================================================
Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller? Tommy: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.
====================================================================================================
msg pe msg bhejte ho
bhej bhej kar bheja kharab karte ho
bhejte bhi ho to kya bhejte ho
khud ka bheja chalta nahi
dusro ka bheja bhej te ho
======================
Ae kalam jara abd se chalna mohabat ka paigaam hai
teri noke ke neeche mere dilbar ka naam hai
======================
Talaash karo koi tumhe mil jayega!
Magar hamari tarah, tumhe kaun chahega!!
Jaroor koi chahat ki nazar se tujhe dekhega!
Magar Aankhein hamari kahan se laayega
======================
jawani ke din chamkile ho gaye,
husn ke tevar nukeele ho gaye,
hum ijhar karne me thode dhele ho gaye,
aur udhar unke hath peele ho gaye!.
======================
Umeedo ki shama dil me mat jhalana !
Is jahan se alag dunia mat basana!!
AAJ bus mood mein the to message bhej diya!!
Par Roz intezar mein pallke mat bichana!
======================
Nigahon se dekh liya hota , Tamanna thi agar azmane ki !!
Humto yunhein behosh ho jate , Kya zaroorat thi Muskurane ki !! .... !!
======================
kisiko ko mohabat ki sachai mar legi
kisi ko mohabat ki gehrai mar legi
karke mohabat koi na bachega
jo bacha use tanhai mar legi
******************************************************************
Banta ped pe chada to upar baithey Bandar ne poocha: Upar kyon aaya?
Banta: Apple khane.
Bandar: Yeh to aam ka ped hai.
Banta: Pata hai, Apple saath laya hoon.
*****************************************************************
Santa was riding on a horse,
He jumped the red light & a cop whistles'
Santa lifts the tail of horse & says,
"Le Karle Number Note
*****************************************************************
A lady asked Santa: LIPTON di chah hai?
Santa replied: Mainu ta nahi hai ji, tainu hai ta lipat ja...!
****************************************************************
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