Five Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and
leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she
gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand but, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the
Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Pouff!
She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Pouff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I
want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit
saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the
bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull___ might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the
bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was
lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen
bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm
he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm
and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the
bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh#ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh#t is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh#t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

 

sardar and american

A Sardar and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from
Los Angeles to New York. The American asks if he would
like to play a fun-game.

The Sardar, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he
politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy
and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5,  and vice versa."

Again, the Sardar declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now worked up, says, "Okay, if you don't
know the answer, you pay me $5,
and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."

This gets the sardar's attention and, figuring there
will be no end to this torment,
agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question, "What's the
distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Sardar doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet,
pulls out a $5 bill and
hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "Your turn."

So the Sardar asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs
and comes down with four legs?"

The American thinks about it. No answer.

Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches
all his references. No answer!

He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches
the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and
co-workers.

Checks the input. All to no avail!

Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Sardar and
hands him $500.

The Sardar thanks him and turns back to get his sleep.

The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the
Sardar and asks,

"Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Sardar reaches into his purse, hands
the American $5,

and  goes back to sleep!

Can I borrow

 

A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife." What happened to her?" "My dog attacked and killed her." "Well, who is in the second coffin? " "My Mother-in-Law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also." A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Join the queue."

 

An Old Story:

The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house
and laying up supplies for the winter.

The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs & dances & plays
the summer away.

Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food
or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

Indian Version:

The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house
and laying up supplies for the winter.

The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays
the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed
while others are cold and starving.

NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering
Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a
table filled with food.

The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this
poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the Ant's house.

Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding
that Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter.

Mayawati states this as 'injustice' done on Minorities.

Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticize the Indian Government
for not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper.

The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the
Grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt
support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance) .

Opposition MPs stage a walkout. Left parties call for 'Bengal Bandh'
in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.

CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working
hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants
and Grasshoppers.

Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian
Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'.

Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the ' Prevention of Terrorism
Against Grasshoppers Act' [POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of
the winter.

Arjun Singh makes 'Special Reservation ' for Grasshoppers in
Educational Institutions & in Government Services.

The Ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing
left to pay his retroactive taxes,it's home is confiscated by the
Government and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by
NDTV.

Arundhati Roy calls it 'A Triumph of Justice'.

Lalu calls it 'Socialistic Justice'.

CPM calls it the ' Revolutionary Resurgence of the Downtrodden '

Koffi Annan invites the Grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.

Many years later...

The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar
company in Silicon Valley.

100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation
somewhere in India,

AND

As a result of losing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the
grasshoppers...

India is STILL a developing country!!!

ha...ha...ha...

 

The FBI, DEA and CIA all argue that they are the best law enforcement agency in the world, so to find out once and for all which of them really is they devise a competition.

 

They release a rabbit into a forest, and whichever agency finds it first will be declared the best.

 

The FBI goes first. After two weeks of interviewing plants and animals, the FBI concludes that no rabbit has ever existed.

 

The DEA goes next. After burning down half the forest and defoliating the rest, they also find no rabbit.

 

The CIA goes last, and after a few moments, agents drag out a badly beaten bear, screaming "Ok, Ok! Yes, I'm a rabbit!"

 

May be Dreams come true....

India in Year :  2030

 

Place: IBM , USA  

(Two Americans Talking)

Currency Conversion Rate:  

INR 1 Rs = USD $ 100  
 

Alex: Hi John, you didn't come yesterday to office?

John: Yeah, I was in Indian Embassy for stamping.

Alex: Oh really, what happened, I heard that nowadays it has become very strict.

John: Yeah, but I managed to get it.

Alex: How long it took to get it stamped?  

John: Oh, it was nasty man, long queue.   Bill Gates was standing in front of me and they played with him like anything. That's why it got delayed. I went there at 2 AM itself and waited and returned by 4 PM.

Alex: Really? In India , it is a matter of an hour to get stamped for USA

John: Yeah, but that is because who in   India will be interested in coming to USA man, their economy has been booming.

Alex: So, when are you leaving?  

John: Anytime, after receiving my tickets from the client in India and you know, I will be getting a chance to fly Air-India. Sort of dream come true.

Alex: How long are you going to stay in   India ?  

John: What do you mean by how long? I will be settled in India , my company has promised me that they will process my Hara Patta... (Green card)

Alex: Really, lucky person man, it is very difficult to get a Hara Patta in India .  

John: Yeah, that's why, I am planning to marry an Indian girl there.

Alex: But you can find lots of US girls in   Hyderabad , Bangalore and   Mumbai.

John: But, I prefer Indian girls because they are beautiful and cultured.

Alex: Where did you get the offer,   Bangalore ?

John: Yeah, salary is good there, but cost of living is quite high, it is Rs. 2000/- for a single room accommodation.  

Alex: I see, that's too much for US people, Rs.1/- =$100/-. Oh God! What about in   Hyderabad , Mumbai?

John: No idea, but it is less than what we have in Bangalore   . It is like the world headquarters of software

Alex: I heard, almost all the Indians are having one personal Robot for help.

John: You can get a BMW car for Rs.  5000/-, and a personal Robot for less than Rs.7500/-But my dream is to purchase Ambassador, which costs Rs.2, 00,000/- but has got a lovely design.

Alex: By the way, who is your client?  

John: Subbarao and Apparao Associates, a pure Indian company, specializing in Embedded Software.

Alex: Oh, really, lucky to work in a pure Indian company. They are really intelligent and unlike American Body shoppers who have opened their Fly-by-night outfits in India . Indian companies pay you in full even when you are on bench.

My friend Paul Allen, it seems, used his bench time to visit Bihar, the most livable place in   India , probably world.  There you have full freedom and no restrictions. You can do whatever you want!  I   wonder how that state has perfected that system.  

John: Yeah man!, you are right. I hope our Americaalso follows their footsteps.

Alex: How are you going to cope with their language?

John: Why not? From my school days I have been learning Hindi as my first language here at New York . At the Consulate they tested my proficiency in Hindi and were quite impressed by my cent per cent score in TOHIL i.e. Test of Hindi as International Language.

Alex: So, you are going to have fun there.

John: Yeah, I will be traveling in the world's fastest train, world's largest theme park, and the famous Bollywood where you can see actors like, Hrithik, Shah Rukh Khan and all. Esselworld is also near Bollywood.

Alex: You know the PM is scheduled to visit US next year; he may then relax the number of visas.  

John: That's true. Last month, Narayana Murthy visited White House and donated Rs. 2000/- for infrastructure development at aSiliconValleyand has promised more if we follow the model of High-Tech City of   Bangalore   . Bill Gates also got a chance of meeting him. Very lucky person.

Alex: But, Indian government is planning to split Narayanamurthy's Infosys.

John: He is a hard worker man; he can build any number of Infosys like this. Every minute he is getting Rs. 1000/-. It seems, if you keep all his money converted as Rs. 100/- notes you can reach Pluto.

Alex: OK, Good Luck John.

John: Same to you Alex. And don't go to Consulate in a "Kurta Pyjama" because they will think you are too Indianised and may doubt you will never come back and hence your Non-Immigrant Visa may get rejected. But don't forget to say "Namaste, aap kaise hai" to the Visa officer at Window 5. It seems he likes that and will not give you a    visa if you don't greet him that way.