What’s this daily charge for ‘fruit’? The hotel guest asked the manager.
“We didn’t eat any.”
“But the fruit was place in your room every day. It isn’t our fault you didn’t take advantage of it.”
“I see,” said the man as he subtracted $150.00 from the bill
“What are you doing”? Sputtered the manager.
“I’m subtracting 50 dollars a day for your kissing my wife.”
“What? I didn’t kiss your wife.”
“Ah,” replied the man, “but she was there.”
17 Rules Between Men and Women
1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some or all of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any given time..
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn’t abide by THE RULES, it is because he can’t take the heat, lacks ackbone, and is a wimp.
16. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5
A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created.
She used the expression “carrying a child” instead of “pregnant,” but the girl seemed satisfied.
Sometime later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighborhood, and the girl stood by watching. Here is how she described the scene to her parents:
“There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and when he came out, he was pregnant.”
A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.
About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.
She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. "Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?" the man asked.
"Because," replied the blonde, "my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!"
Four leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink.
The president of “Budweiser” orders a Bud.
“Kingfisher” president orders a Kingfisher.
and the president of “Hayward’s” orders a hayward’s-10000.
When it is the president of “Knock out” turn to order, he orders a soda.
Why didn't you order a “Knock out” everyone asks?
Nah he replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.
>NEVER MAKE YOURSELF A CIGARETTE,
>SO THAT PEOPLE PAY TO BUY YOU AND STAMP AND CRUSH YOU AFTER YOU ARE DONE..:!
>MAKE YOURSELF A DRUG LET THEM DIE TO GET YOU..!!
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis,
"You have a broken finger."
A little black boy goes into the kitchen where his momma is baking.
He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He looks at his momma and says, “Look, momma, I’m a white boy!”
His momma slaps him in the face and says, “Go show your daddy what y’all did!”
He walks downstairs to his daddy in the living room and says, “Look daddy, I’m a white boy!”
His daddy also slaps him in the face and says, “Go show yo’ grandma!”
The boy scoots over to his grandma’s room and says, “Look Grandma, I’m a white boy!”
Once again, he is slapped in the face, this time by his grandma. She tells the boy to go back to his momma.
Once he arrives downstairs, his momma says, “Well, did you learn anything from that?!”
The boy replied, “Sure enough did. I’ve only been white for 5 minutes and I already hate three black people!”
Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hai
Kyonki shaadi ke baad saare gum to
Husband ke hisse mein aate hain or
Wife Be-Gum ho jaati hai
You know why women starts with ‘W’…
because all questions start with “W”.. !
Who ?
Why ?
What ?
When ?
Which ?
Whom ?
Where ?
&
Finally Wife..!!!
A news paper had a humour page with following matrimonials published
in it.
BANKER: Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her
service.
CAR MECHANIC: Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition.
Should be above average and must run the household at a good average.
DOCTOR: Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making
me desirous of marriage. I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has
knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away
from all sins be it anasin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good
doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply.
DRUNKER: Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda
factory. I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends
come home. Friends come home only seven times a week. Girl preffered
will carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally or send soda for
trial. Sample should be ample.
LAWYER: I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for
the post of husband after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for
should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl. The
girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of
My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be
sustained. Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.
SOFTWARE ENGINEER: Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI
with Security features (privileges only for the Specific User
especially critical Functionalities).
There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her.
LowBugs can be deferred But needs to B fixed by the Next Build. She
Must not be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT, USER FRIENDLY. We are ready to Test
the Application & CERTIFY the product but we will assure it will never
be released to ANY OTHER Customer.
A teenage college guy sent a love letter (in
Question/Ans format) to his classmate.
My Dearest Rita,
Please answer the following questionnaire. For Options
(a)10 marks, (b)
5marks and (c) 3 marks.
1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight
always falls on me
because:
(a) of love
(b) you couldn't control seeing me
(c) really ... am I doing it?
2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn
and look at me
because:
(a) you always like to see me smiling
(b) you are testing whether I like jokes
(c) you are attracted by my smile
3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and
immediately you
stopped singing because:
(a) you are so coy to sing before me
(b) my presence influenced you
(c) you feared that whether I'll like your song
4) When you were showing your child photo, when I
asked for it, you hide
it because:
(a) you felt ashamed
(b) you felt uneasy
(c) you don't know
5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand
for lifting you and
you took only my friend's because:
(a) you enjoyed my disappointment
(b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing
(c) you don't know
6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get
into y our bus...
(a) you were waiting for me
(b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the
bus
(c) that bus was crowded
7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to
college because:
(a) I am going to be your groom
(b) you just want to know what your parents think
about me
(c) just you felt like introducing me to them
8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day,
you came with a rose
on your head because:
(a) to fulfill my wish
(b) you like roses
(c) by chance you got a rose
9) On that day, it was my birthday. you too came to
temple early at 6:00
AM because:
(a) you want to pray along with me
(b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on
my birthday
(c) you want to wish me at temple because you are
spiritual
If you have scored mor e than 40, then you are loving
me. Don't delay in
expressing it. If you have scored between 30 and 40,
love is budding in
your heart and it's getting ready to bloom. If you
have scored less than
30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not.
Eagerly aw aiting your reply..
love,
Deepak
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rita's reply letter was also in Q/A format........
Deepak,
Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.
1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people
entering the class,
sees them.
(a) Yes
(b) No
2) If a girl laughs and looks at anyone, is it love?
(a) Yes
(b) No
3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the
songs, will he/she stop
singing or not ?
(a) Yes
(b) No
4) I was showing my friends (who are all girls) my
childhood photo. You
poked your nose in between..... right ?
(a) Yes
(b) No
5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking.
Couldn't you understand
yet?
(a) Yes
(b) No
6) Should I not wait for my best friend ( Anjali) at
the bus stand?
(a) Yes
(b) No
7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a
friend?
(a) Yes
(b) No
8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower,
banana flower. Is it
true ?
(a) Yes
(b) No
9) Oh was that your birthday. That's why I could see
you in temple. I come
daily to Temple. Do you know ?
(a) Yes
(b) No
If you have answered "Yes" to any of the question,
then I am not loving
you.
If you have answered "No", then you don't know the
meaning of Love.
Hope everything is clear to you.
Rita
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid.
The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
