VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES

 

 

How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry her! What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Television 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long. How many men does it take to open a beer? None.  It should be opened when she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...' How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't.  There is a clock on the oven. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course.  He'll shut up once you let him in. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. I married my 'Miss Right'. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% ... it's called a Wedding Cake. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. Women will never be equal to men ... until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

 

 

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I have contacts

This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license,

 

he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."

The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."

 

 

 

Looking into future News Headlines in 2025

POLITICS

* President Sonia Gandhi and Prime Minister Rahul Gandhi receive Italian Prime Minister Priyanka Gandhi.
* Fight in Parliament to grab the next seat beside newly elected MPs Mallika Sheravat, Sherlyn Chopra and Rakhi Sawant.
* Mayawati all set to install her 10,000 statue in UP Assembly.
* Jayalalitha and Karunanidhi signed a 100 years deal to rotate power in Tamil Nadu every 2 years.
* Raj Thackrey and his supporters fighting for a separate state for Marathi manoos. All set to form 76th Indian state.

TV and CINEMA

* Dhoom-17 ready for release.
* Mein to ab bhi jawan hoon - Dev Anand's new movie set for release where he plays son of Aamir Khan and Katrina Kaif.
* After remakes of 45 films of Amitabh, Shahrukh now to play Amitabh's role in remake of 'Paa' .
* Amitabh's new movie with Shahrukh Khan's daughter 'Ek aur Nishabdh'.

SPORTS

* Lalit Modi to inagurate IPL Season-20 next week.
* Jayasuriya celebrated his 56th birthday with a century against Australia in a T20 match.
* Coach Ganguly resigns, as India went out of The World Cup in 1st round after losing to South Korea.
* Navjot Siddhu will launch his own TV channel where he is the Host the Guest too.

TECH

* Maruti launches its new Hovercraft 'SX-25'. Toyota to follow.
* Hyundai launches its new car i420.
* TRAI to add another 2 digits to mobile numbers. New numbers would soon have 20 digits.
* Intel launched its latest processor Intel Core10 Trio.

NATION

* Petrol Rs. 900 / ltr.
* Gold touched all time high 1,00,000 mark per 10 grams.
* Temperature set to touch 60°C mark in summer this year.
* Govt subsidized vegetables by 50%. Subsidized onion to cost Rs.200 per kg.
* Textile industry incurred loses of Rs.1,000 crores. Ministry blames bollywood actress.

 

You passed the test

A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said:

 

"We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this,"

 

he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper,

 

and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly,

 

and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.

"That's fine," he said; "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."

"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."

 

keep smiling...

What's the difference between a fly & a mosquito? Simple!
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A fly can fly, but a mosquito cannot mosquito!!

(2) What did baby corn ask mom corn???
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Where is Pop corn?

(3) Why is the River Rich?
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It has two Banks!

(4) What do computers like to eat?
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Chips!

(5) Why did the teacher wear sunglasses to School???
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She had a Bright Student.

(6) When does Gulshan Grover become Gulshan Grocer.???
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Ans: When he travels with the speed of light.(At that Speed, V=C)
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(Velocity = Constant).

(7) Ek aadmi ke pass ek kauwa (CROW) tha ……….wo bahut hi naram mulayam tha …….
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To woh aadmi uska naam kya rakhega ???
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Socho
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. Aur thoda socho

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A) MICROSOFT ( My- Crow – Soft )

(8) Once in MIT, there was an Indian student.
He was very brilliant, and his General Knowledge (GK) was excellent.
He won every Quiz in the institute .... Once he fell in love with a Phirangi girl...
He proposed the girl, but She straight way rejected him ... calling him Bloody Desi...
So after this, his GK fell drastically, and he stopped taking part in Quiz and all.....
Now, u tell me the reason ... WHY ???
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becoz,

Jab Dil hee toot gaya....
toh GK kya karenge ...
JJ





Why did the girl changed her name from Shruti to Shraxis?
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. Socho… kyu….. ???
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Because UTI bank is now Axis bank. Shruti ---Shraxis

1. A cow standing on the road keeps shouting 'F'... 'F'... Why???
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Because F=ma ( Newton 's Second Law :) )

2. A boy throws a bottle of Bournvita out of the window. A cat sees it, and takes the bottle of bournvita and buries it under the ground. Why?
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Because 'CAT-BURIES' Bournvita

3. Who is called female Java?
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Java'Gal' Srinath

4. 3 cockroaches are walking on the road. Suddenly 1 of them starts singing 'Tujhe Dekha To Yeh Jaana Sanam...' And the other 2 die immediately. Why?
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Because it was a HIT song.

 

How to Catch a LION

 

 

Newton 's Method:   Let, the lion catch you.   For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.   Implies you caught lion.             Einstein Method:   Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.   Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.   Now you can trap it easily.                   Indian Police Method: Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion.                   Rajnikanth Method :   Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.   The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.                    Jayalalitha Method:   Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !                 Manirathnam Method (director):   Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark   room with a single candle lighted.   Keep murmuring something in its ears.   The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.                  Karan Johar Method (director):   Send a lioness into the forest.   Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.   Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.   First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness.   But 2nd lioness loves both lions.   Now send another lioness (third) into the forest.   You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!                   Menaka Gandhi method: Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.               George bush method:   Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!                 Rahul Dravid s method:   Ask the lion to bowl at u.   U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run   Lion tired and surrenders                  Software Engineer Method:   Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.   If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion. __._,_.___

 

Can I take your order sir?

A young man just had his first customer, which turned out to be a BIG BURLY truck driver.

 

The young man walked up to the table where the truck driver was sitting and asked;

 

can I take your order sir? The truck driver replied, sure kid I want three flat tires and two headlights.

 

The young man was very puzzled and said, I beg your pardon?

 

The truck driver said again, look kid; I want three flat tires and two headlights.

 

The young man was still puzzled, but replied; yes sir, whatever.

 

The young man then took the request to his boss who was the head cook.

 

He told him about the truck driver's order, and that he wanted three flat tires and two headlights,

 

“I think he's in the wrong place.”

 

The head cook said, I know what he wants, he wants three flap jacks and two eggs sunny side up;

 

the truck driver is just trying to be smart, I know him.

 

The cook said to the waiter here, take this bowl of beans, give it to him and say this.

 

The truck driver said, Listen kid, I didn't order this; I said I wanted three flat tires and two headlights.

 

The waiter replied, Well sir, the head cook said while you wait for your parts, you can gas up!

 

 

I quit drinking...

A guy comes in to a bar and orders a double whiskey. He drinks it and looks in his pocket.

 

Then he orders another one, drinks it and looks in his pocket again.

This is repeated a dozen times before the bartender asks him what he is doing.

He replies, "In my pocket I have a picture of my wife. When she gets good looking, I quit drinking..."

 

How nice

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

 

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,

"There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or “That’s Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out,

 

"And there's the teacher. She's dead."

 

 

Gift

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.

So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.

Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."

Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."

Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."