not a cent

“Is there anything wrong?” asked bartender of the young, well-dressed customer who sat staring grimly into his drink.

 

“Two months ago my grandfather died and left me one- hundred thousand dollars” said the man.

 

“That doesn’t sound like anything to be upset about,” said the bartender.

 

“It should happen to me.” “Yeah,” said the sour young man,

 

 “but last month an uncle on my father’s side passed away. He left me ninety-five thousand dollars.”

 

“So why are you sitting here looking so unhappy?” Asked the bartender.

 

“This month – so far – not a cent.”

 

Quotation

"Alcohol isn't the answer 2 all questions" - Swami Vivekananda

 

 

"But if u don't get the answer it helps u to 4get the questions.." - Vijay mallya

 

 

Definition

A specialist is someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing.

A General Practitioner is someone who knows less and less about more and more until he knows nothing about everything.

A pathologist is someone who knows more and more about everything until he knows everything about everything. But, too late.

 

 

one way

A man was driving the wrong way down a one-way street. He was stopped by a policeman. “This is a one-way street,” said the officer.

 

“I know,” said the motorist, “I’m only going one way.”

 

1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW

Our HERO WAS chatting with a female - Online chat.

 

 

 

 

(Background both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC's)

 

 

 

 

Hero : Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today?

 

 

 

 

Female: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat

 

 

 

 

Hero : wow...am honoured, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat

 

 

 

 

Female: Yep...me too feel the same...Brb (be right back)'ll get some Coffee.

 

 

 

 

Hero : OK

 

 

 

(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his desk ).

 

 

 

 

Manager : Hey, I need some help from you

 

 

 

 

Hero : [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me.

 

 

 

 

Manager : Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, Given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?

 

 

 

 

Hero : I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.

 

 

 

 

Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]

 

 

 

 

(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)

 

 

 

 

Female: Hey, am back

 

 

 

 

Hero : cool, you know what my manager does, he's kinda..... keeps asking stupid tings, tries to give me stupid work.... $*#&$@

 

 

 

 

Female: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!

 

 

 

 

Hero : Yep, u rite!!

 

 

 

 

Female: Hey, can u do me a favor

 

 

 

 

Hero : *smiles* sure, why not.

 

 

 

 

Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real Urgent for me to work this out

 

 

 

 

Hero : hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Ur mail in an hour from now.

 

 

 

ok?

 

 

 

 

Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM ...!!

 

 

 

 

AND ONE MORE POINT.... YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW !!

Great Letter

 

A School Master from a remote rural area in Bihar was
transferred to a new School in Mumbai.


He reported for duty two days after the actual
date of joining.


Consequently he was asked for an explanation in
writing...

____________ _________ _________

Deer sur,


If esmall esmall mishtakes getting inside my letter, I
big you pardon, ass I am not a good englis sbeaker.


This is my fist vijit to Bambai. Stickly sbeaking, I
banted to joint your school more fastly,


but for the phollowing region, too much time
lost in getting sliper rezervasion in three-tyre
compartiment.


I tolded


I has head ache problem due to migrasion. Still the
kelerk rejected to give ticket to I and my sun.


I putted a complain on stasion masterji.


He said I to go to the lady kelerk.


At first she also rejected. I then pressed for long
time and phinally with great diphiiculti


she gave a birth to my sun.


Anyway I thanked the stasion masterji also


because he was phully responsible for getting birth
of my sun.


Ass a hole it was a bhery diphicult experiment in my
hole life.


I hope u will look into explain my hole estory after,
and late me joint first.


I am now ending this fastly. I am a waiter for
your responsement.


May God blast you!"


Yours awfully,

 

pet names

Tom was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.

When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.”

 

“To tell you the truth,” his friend said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.”

 

smarter dog

Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.

First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.

Second woman: I know.

First one: How?

Second one: My dog told me.

When it cries?

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked

"Not yet… Soon," said the 65 year-old mother.

 

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"Not yet," said the mother.

 

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No," replied the mother.

 

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"WHEN IT CRIES," she told them.

"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded.  "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it..."