where were you

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out,

 

"Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been.

She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again.

 

"Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past.

 

Then suddenly she hears the voice saying

 

"I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?"

Yes! Shouts the woman,

 

"Just where were you on my wedding day!"

 

 

A bartender cured me for 10 dollars

Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.

Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.

I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.

Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.

“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Jay never went back. Sometime later he met the doctor on the street.

“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

 

 

forgot to shut

Q: Why was the computer so cold?

A: Because it forgot to shut its window

 

List

Doctor: I’m sorry to have to tell you that you may have rabies, and it could prove fatal.

Patient: Well, doctor, please give me pencil and paper.

Doctor: To make your will?

Patient: No, to make a list of people I want to bite.

 

 

wish

A Sardar, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for
theirpunishment, the Sheik announced:  "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
 "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

 The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly:  "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.

The Sardar was the last one up, but b! efore he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:   "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," Sardar replied.
 "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is
what you desire, then so be it. "And what is your second wish, ?" the Sheik asked.
Sardar smiled and said:   "Tie the Pakistani to my back" !!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

even I was a Lion

A mouse was dancing & enjoying in a Lion's Wedding. An Elephant was surprised to see this and asked:

 

Hey Buddy, Why are YOU dancing & enjoying so much?

Mouse continued enjoying & dancing & replied calmly:

 

You may not be knowing, but before my marriage, even I was a Lion.

 

 

I'm putting on my shoes

Four animals a Snake, a Cock, a Cat and a Centipede, all heavy smokers, were playing cards together. When the cigarettes run out, the snake, the big brother, said, "Cock, go out and get some packs! You know, I have NO legs." "But why me?" said the Cock, "I have only TWO legs!" So, the task fell on Centipede with no doubt. Centipede said nothing and left the room.

The left three waited and waited, but Centipede did not show up. One hour later, they couldn't wait anymore. "What's the devil Centipede doing?" Snake said impatiently, "Cat, go out and take a look!"

When Cat gets to the door, he got frightened. Centipede was SITTING there!!!! So the angry Cat said, "What are you doing here?"

"Can't you see? I'm putting on my shoes,” said Centipede.

 

I can't get her out of the playpen

A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered.

Salesman: May I speak to your mother?

Child: She is not here.

Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?

Child: My sister

Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?

Child: I guess so.

There was a long silence on the other phone. Then;

Child: Hello?

Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.

Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.

 

light the candle

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

 

"So?" asked the duck's former owner,

 

"did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

 

Punishment

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother,

 

"Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."